inadequacies..oh..inadaquacies..

in·ad·e·qua·cy (n-ad-i-kw-se)
n. pl. in·ad·e·qua·cies
1. a lack of competence; "pointed out the insufficiencies in my report"; "juvenile offenses often reflect an inadequacy in the parents"
Syn. insufficiency
Related Words: failing, weakness - a flaw or weak point; "he was quick to point out his wife's failings"

I have been thinking about this topic for a little while now and I am finally going to capture my feelings. I have been really trying to keep my blogs short and to the point. But this is going to be a long one (sorry).

I used to be my worst enemy...

For the longest time I felt inadequate ALL the time. I was a bad person, Christian, worker, friend, daughter, family member..you name it. I always felt like less than. Some of it was my own internal pity party that I was wallowing in, but a lot of it was a genuine feeling that I wasn't good enough. Some might say I was a perfectionist. But I wouldn't even allow myself that title, because I even though I knew the definition, inside I felt like a perfectionist was someone who was obsessive compulsive; a timely, neat freak, who really had it together, but didn't realize it and always thought s/he could do better. But I felt like I was no where near that so I couldn't be a perfectionist.

per·fec·tion·ism (pr-fksh-nzm)
n.
1. A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards.
per·fection·ist adj. & n.

Now to meet me (on the surface that is), you probably wouldn't think that about me..the inadequate part. The farce was a "me" that was confident and satisfied with life..but I was so far from it. Actually I have been told more than once that people perceive me to be a snob (another time for that discussion) The last thing I will say about who I was - is that I think part of it had to do with my weight. I wasn't comfortable in my own skin and I felt like well I am fat, I don't deserve... (you fill in the blank). Yeah it was sad, but enough of that...

So a few weeks or a month or so (I can't remember when it happened) I was sitting around thinking about my job. Yes I remember now it was when things started going a little south in the workplace. [side note]So because I try not to get too personal when things are negative and when there is a particular someone/thing I don't want to put on blast..i can't get into the specific or even vague details of how I came to this epiphany (although I really want to..I promise..).[\side note] Let's just say I didn't react to things in the same way I normally would...which was.. "Oh I am not good enough..so and so is better than me and one of these days someone is going to really figure out (if they haven't already) that I don't know what I am doing".

I realized that actually a couple of times before that - things that normally would have triggered that thought - no longer did - but I brushed it off like it was no big deal. But it wasn't until things started getting hectic that I noticed that things weren't the same. At some point in the last 3-4 months I accepted myself for who I am and I removed was freed from the unreasonable expectations that I had for myself. I wish I could really put my finger on the change, but I want to say it was gradual. Instead of being like.. "oh they know more than I do, I am so stupid..I should know this.. " I am now more like "they are really smart, I have no idea what they are talking about, but I am going to make sure I learn from them."

Did I purpose in my mind to do this? Was it because I truly dealt with and let go of my past? I would say both...but honestly either way, I couldn't have done it without God's intervention. So He gets all the credit for me being free from myself.

Anyway overall, I have found a joy in life that is unrelated to changes in circumstances. When I first stared this blog and I gave it the title "because of Him..i live!" I had in mind the general Christian themes that go along with that salvation, eternal life, etc. But today I recognize it as being prophetic to where I am today. REALLY living now..

Anyway I guess I just want people to know that through Him all things are possible, it takes some work though..although my realization of the situation made it seem like it happened overnight, there were a lot of things I had to go through and work I had to do to get where I am today.. Confident in God and the abilities and talents he has give me..comfortable in my own skin even though I am in the heaviest rweight ange I have ever been in (but I am working on that). My life is not perfect I am not trying to make it perfect..just trying to live each day to the fullest..for His glory. I'M ALIVE!