Friday Fill In..

Once again, my friend Roslyn has given me an idea on something to put on my blog. They say that copying is the highest form of flattery :D.

So here is something I found on her blog that I might start doing.

Friday Fill-Ins

1. Having a loving church family makes me happy.
2. I would like stick to my weight lost plans and eat healthier, please.
3. Cake (mostly) tastes SO good!
4. Saturday is my favorite day of the week because I don't have to work.
5. My face my best feature.
6. We could learn so much from reading the bible on a more frequent basis.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going to a church member' sbaby shower, tomorrow my plans include Zumba class, teaching Jr. Kidz church and watching NCIS on DVD and Sunday, I want to bowl a high score and have a relaxing evening at Julie's house!

ww-update..back on flex

i got a lot going on with this blog, but this is my Weight Watchers post. I did Core last week, but it felt SUPER "diety" (don't look that word up in the dictionary) and as a friend pointed out, I wasn't eating enough food. So i am back on flex..

...in other news went back and weighed in for the 1st time this year on Monday 1/21 and i lost 2 pounds since before Christmas. Don't know what to attribute that to, but its all good. in the end God gets the glory anyway...

I took some pics of myself and put it on my refridge. its my before pic (even though i have already lost 17 pounds since august). We can start here - no biggie. Eventually i will post it up somewhere.. not sure where yet..myspace, here, a weight loss website that i start up.. who knows.

ok off to bed.

the breakup....pt.1

Dear john :

(at least that is what I will call you here)..Well...we have been together for almost 10 years..but it's beginning to look like I am going to have to let you go. You have been really good to me..but lately things just aren't the same. I mean we have had our ups and downs, but things have never gotten to the point where they are now. I don't even want to see you.

I am really praying about this, because you have been one of the most consistent things in my life. Plus if God says that I have to continue to endure you, then i will..but I am getting the sense that it is OK for me to move on.. I will keep you posted in the upcoming days/weeks as to my decision


Love -SS

inadequacies..oh..inadaquacies..

in·ad·e·qua·cy (n-ad-i-kw-se)
n. pl. in·ad·e·qua·cies
1. a lack of competence; "pointed out the insufficiencies in my report"; "juvenile offenses often reflect an inadequacy in the parents"
Syn. insufficiency
Related Words: failing, weakness - a flaw or weak point; "he was quick to point out his wife's failings"

I have been thinking about this topic for a little while now and I am finally going to capture my feelings. I have been really trying to keep my blogs short and to the point. But this is going to be a long one (sorry).

I used to be my worst enemy...

For the longest time I felt inadequate ALL the time. I was a bad person, Christian, worker, friend, daughter, family member..you name it. I always felt like less than. Some of it was my own internal pity party that I was wallowing in, but a lot of it was a genuine feeling that I wasn't good enough. Some might say I was a perfectionist. But I wouldn't even allow myself that title, because I even though I knew the definition, inside I felt like a perfectionist was someone who was obsessive compulsive; a timely, neat freak, who really had it together, but didn't realize it and always thought s/he could do better. But I felt like I was no where near that so I couldn't be a perfectionist.

per·fec·tion·ism (pr-fksh-nzm)
n.
1. A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards.
per·fection·ist adj. & n.

Now to meet me (on the surface that is), you probably wouldn't think that about me..the inadequate part. The farce was a "me" that was confident and satisfied with life..but I was so far from it. Actually I have been told more than once that people perceive me to be a snob (another time for that discussion) The last thing I will say about who I was - is that I think part of it had to do with my weight. I wasn't comfortable in my own skin and I felt like well I am fat, I don't deserve... (you fill in the blank). Yeah it was sad, but enough of that...

So a few weeks or a month or so (I can't remember when it happened) I was sitting around thinking about my job. Yes I remember now it was when things started going a little south in the workplace. [side note]So because I try not to get too personal when things are negative and when there is a particular someone/thing I don't want to put on blast..i can't get into the specific or even vague details of how I came to this epiphany (although I really want to..I promise..).[\side note] Let's just say I didn't react to things in the same way I normally would...which was.. "Oh I am not good enough..so and so is better than me and one of these days someone is going to really figure out (if they haven't already) that I don't know what I am doing".

I realized that actually a couple of times before that - things that normally would have triggered that thought - no longer did - but I brushed it off like it was no big deal. But it wasn't until things started getting hectic that I noticed that things weren't the same. At some point in the last 3-4 months I accepted myself for who I am and I removed was freed from the unreasonable expectations that I had for myself. I wish I could really put my finger on the change, but I want to say it was gradual. Instead of being like.. "oh they know more than I do, I am so stupid..I should know this.. " I am now more like "they are really smart, I have no idea what they are talking about, but I am going to make sure I learn from them."

Did I purpose in my mind to do this? Was it because I truly dealt with and let go of my past? I would say both...but honestly either way, I couldn't have done it without God's intervention. So He gets all the credit for me being free from myself.

Anyway overall, I have found a joy in life that is unrelated to changes in circumstances. When I first stared this blog and I gave it the title "because of Him..i live!" I had in mind the general Christian themes that go along with that salvation, eternal life, etc. But today I recognize it as being prophetic to where I am today. REALLY living now..

Anyway I guess I just want people to know that through Him all things are possible, it takes some work though..although my realization of the situation made it seem like it happened overnight, there were a lot of things I had to go through and work I had to do to get where I am today.. Confident in God and the abilities and talents he has give me..comfortable in my own skin even though I am in the heaviest rweight ange I have ever been in (but I am working on that). My life is not perfect I am not trying to make it perfect..just trying to live each day to the fullest..for His glory. I'M ALIVE!

recipe fiasco..

I originally sent this as an email to a friend yesterday, and I wanted to talk about it here on my blog..so I figured..why reinvent the wheel..

Jessica-
ok so today is my first day on core. last night i cooked a bunch of chicken using internet recipes and i tried this recipe off that website i sent you and it turned out to be HORRIBLE. Lime Garlic chicken - bleeckh. What was I thinking, especially when i cooked it in a crock pot - what a waste. But Buddy seems to like it, so I will save it for him. I tried another recipe - creamy chicken soup. It is OK.. I will have to keep trying. I am going to make some chicken salad, but I can't use my original recipe which is really good. I am using fatfree, no sugar ingredients. I will keep you posted on that. I am debating working out today.. we will see.
SS

(end of email).. Oh and for those who are wondering who Buddy is..he is my bestest friend - see below...

Isn't he cute?

Weight Watchers - Core - Day 1

Before I start my usual ranting, those of you not familiar with Weight Watchers (WW), Core is an alternative to their points plan where you eat from a basic (long) list of healthy foods and you don't have to count points. You only have to work on not eating past satisfaction. You still have 35 points that you can use to eat additional things and of course you can eat more (if you like) if you exercise - and earn what are called activity points. All foods are assigned a pts value based on calories/fat/fiber.

Anyway, today was day 1 of that for me. I think I did pretty OK. I cooked on Sunday and some today and I am definitely eating more healthy and i am not hungry all the time. I am going to have make sure I am creative about what I eat, because I can get caught in a rut. I was going to try to cut out red meat, but baby steps.. I think I will focus on following core with the full range of meats. :D I am just not ready to let it go yet. I had a recipe blunder..i will discuss more on that at a later time.


Anyway, I am heading to bed, because I have an appt with my personal trainer @ 6am.

One..Communion..Ready-Aim-Fire

So This weekend my pastors started a new Message called One where they discussing the vision of the church and unity in the Body of Christ.



On a side note, I did taught JKC at our Saturday night and I got a CD of the message. I listed to the message Sat night while i was driving to and from a friends house. But I still felt funny on Sunday morning not going to church. I felt almost like I was doing something wrong. I am over that now.. I did go to the 6pm Prayer and Praise service on Sunday night, so I felt better. But I am sure I will get over it. Because from now on Saturday night is my preferable service.

OK back on topic...Sat. night Pastor Steve used the analogy of "Ready... Aim... Fire" of a gun to how we do things in life. "Ready" we gather our resources/ideas , "Aim" determine our vision/mission and "Fire" execute or deliver on what you set out to do.
He talked about how people often don't go through all 3 steps, the will get stuck in one or two steps. I thought about this as I was driving along and I have say in the past, I was more of a Ready-Aim-Fire, but I will usually only do that once and then quit. i won't continue to look at my goals and execute on them, nope I have moved onto the next thing.

So I think about my goals, I sat and I thought about 2007 and how I wanted 2008 to be different and that I was going to do something about it. ("ready"), then I wrote down what I was looking to accomplish - my missions , located in earlier entry, see "goals..goals..goals" ("aim"), and now I am doing the work of executing on them ("fire"). But one of my goals is live a life that is pleasing to God. That in of it self says that there will be more things that I will need to focus on as time goes on... A consistent "Ready... Aim... Fire" for the year. He mentioned other thigns, but it was a good Word.

Pastor Connie taught last night @ 6pm on Communion. She talked about some really powerful things. For me what I found that was really interesting is when she talked about how Christ's blood washes away all of our sins. The sins we have committed against others as well as those that have been committed against us. That in that we are made new and those sins are forgiven and forgotten. She likened them to dreams they are in our head - no need to act on them. I am learning to let go. Of the things I have done to others and to the things that have been done to me. It is very freeing..

i love kidz!

last month I attended a brunch @ my church .. (Living Word Family Church) and I sat a table with a great bunch of ladies. One asked me if I was involved in any ministries. At the time I didn't know anyone and I was thinking about joining Special Projects Ministry. Anyway I was asked if I wanted to help out with Jr. KidzChurch, because a volunteer was stepping down. So somehow "sure!" came tumbling out of my mouth... But then I was thinking, Lord, i don't even really like kids like that. But I heard Him telling me to try it, so that's what I decided to do. Oh as an fyi.. Jr. Kidz consists of 4 and 5 year olds.

Well who would have ever known (but God I suppose) how much I would enjoy being a Jr. Kidz Church teacher. I have been so blessed by the children as well as the volunteers in the ministry and parents. The kids, while a handful are delightful and refreshing. The ministry members have been unbelievably kind to me. This week I went to a core group (bible study) which was really awesome I was so blessed and I felt like a part of a big family. Today I found out that my core group members are the parents of some of the kids. Oh and I joined Special projects - they are fantastic and some members of that ministry are parents of the kids as well.

I just have to say.. you never know how your kindness will affect someone. Just a smile or a hug or handshake, or an invitation can be just what someone needs. So many people have done that for me..they have been extensions of God's love for me and i am overjoyed to be on the receiving end of that and I am excited and looking forward to being that extension for someone else. I really love my church..I am blessed to be a part of such a powerful and loving ministry.

Personal Training - Day 1

OK so i joined a gym on Friday and today was my first personal training session. It was cool - just an assessment - but I scheduled it at 6am.. Man I was tired, I came home and went to sleep. My immediate goal is to lose 36 pounds in the next 4 months. So I am not going to put my actual weight here - heaven forbid, but I will indicate my goal and my progress. So i have this tracker that I am going to attach to my posts. I also want to add another mission that relates to sleep. Speaking of my missions... I am listing them below with a little note as to how they are going.

personal mission statement

• live each day in a way pleasing to God - working on not giving into the flesh/better attitude
  
• arrive 15 minutes early to all appointments - have been arriving 15 minutes to on time.
  
• workout 2-3x a week - the week is young (l0l)
  
• stay on track with Weight Watchers - ugh...will count points today
  
• sleep 6 hours a night - tonights the night 2 hours until bedtime
  

financial mission statement

• tithe consistently - God's got my 10%
  
• identify a Tweedy, Browne Co. LLC value fund to invest in and make consistent contribution - (min 1 share every other month) - plan to mail 2006 - don't ask - tax return - will use refund to make initial investment
  
• rebuild nest egg of 2 month expenses by the end of the year - nothing yet here
  
• keep existing car maintained and running - God help me I have been lusting after a few new cars - I HAVE to stop!
  

relationship mission statement

• choose and maintain healthy relationships - keeping in contact with friends - old and new
  
• give more than I receive - this has been going good
  
• listen more than I talk - need to pay more attention to this, probably doing more talking-complaining- at this point

Overall - things are going well. I feel good.. I am determined not do have negative self talk - so I will be honest but not beat myself up. Tracker below :D...

doing a 5k

so..I was talking to some friend this week at dinner about running a 5k. I am going to work myself up to doing that. Ideally, I would like to enter in one late Feb early December. I found a Couch to 5k training plan, plus I have a book somewhere around here. But I like the website better.

All my racing info was obtained from active.com
Here are my options for races...

Sat Feb 23 Hearts on Franklin Chapel Hill, NC
Sat March 29 Joggin for your Noggin Morrisville, NC
Sat March 15 Kidney Kare 5k Walk/Run Chapel Hill, NC


Then there are a few here that are not for a cause, but are just competitive races.

Anyway we will see..

goals..goals..goals..

So its a new year and I wanted to identity my resolutions/goals/year mission statements (whatever you want to call them) for 2008. I think it was my pastor that said that if you don't have a goal you will be sure to reach it. So here they are...

personal mission statement

• live each day in a way pleasing to God
• arrive 15 minutes early to all appointments
• workout 2-3x a week
• stay on track with Weight Watchers

financial mission statement

• tithe consistently
• identify a Tweedy, Browne Co. LLC value fund to invest in and make consistent contribution - (min 1 share every other month)
• rebuild nest egg of 2 month expenses by the end of the year.
• keep existing car maintained and running

relationship mission statement

• choose and maintain healthy relationships
• give more than I receive
• listen more than I talk

2008 is here!!

So its 2008 now... I have a lot of things to ponder...

My pastor talked on Sunday about setting goals for 08. Goals/Friends/Routine/Church are all going to have a bearing on my 2008. I so much want to be all that God wants me to be. At least I say I do. However if you really want something you will go after it with passion and conviction. Can't say I am doing that... so what now... I am going to take this to the Lord

I had a great holiday I have to say..good times with family..so important. I feel like I am right where i am supposed to be. I have some things i will handle but I am going to make it.

This is is going to be a fabulous year.

OK so some things I am going to work on.

A personal mission statement, a financial mission statement, a spiritual mission statement, and a relationship mission statement. Set some goals for the new year...yeah..i will be back with them.