Thursday, May 29, 2008

10 Steps for a Greener tomorrow...

This is a blog I was working on last month.. i never finished it but thought it was worthwhile to post...


I was inspired by an image I saw yesterday and decided to do a post on it.


this is a note to self:
10 steps for a greener tomorrow:

1) Pray. But just not "God help me through this prayer". Pray for others and with passion and conviction. Pray like there is a tomorrow, and you know God can change the outcome. Pray for yourself that God will heal you and use what you have gone through to heal other. Will help you learn from your mistakes so you don't make them again and you can work to prevent new ones.

2) Fast. You don't have to get all fanatical just start off slowly. Its seems that everytime God presents fasting to you ...and you don't... you begin to drift. Its interesting to see how He knows and tries to prepare, so be prepared.

3) Give. Use your resources to help other. It doesn't have to just be money, but tithing is important. It can be your teim

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Greenish blue..

I haven't worked out in over a week, and I haven't worked out hard since I left for Brazil. So I am thinking that may account for my greenish blue mood. I don't want to say I am blue, because that certainly isn't true. Green being my favorite color to me represents my happiness or contentment with life.

I know I have a lot going on in my life right now - particularly some nonesense I have to deal with in Maryland, but usually that doesn't really bother me too much.. So back to greenish blue. I feel like I am heading very slowly, but I am happy that I can recognize it in the blue direction..and thats not a great place to be..trust..

So I am going to continue to pray and get myself back in the gym - back to the serious workouts. I broke up with my personal trainer, and not in a mature way, but I took him back last week. Although I have found one I potentially have interest in, but I am going to hold off on switching at the moment..we had a good thing going...i need to get back on track.

Ok so I will go back and do an assessment in 2 weeks to see if we can get back to "green-land". I was not trying to be funny or anything, and I accept that I am corny. Back on topic, I have so many things going on right now, and so many things to be grateful for, so I am going to get back on the horse. God is soo good.





Ok..I am back..I always like to search around for some neat images to add to my posts - usually after I write them - so I found this one and I think I will dedicate my next post to it...Of course it has a different meaning to me then those who are environmentally conscious, but anyway I am going to think about 10 steps to contentment and do a post on that..

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Buddy...

... got a new hair cut from Petsmart in Wake Forest.. Heather did a fantastic job.. ain't he cute??



OK I am leaving work now.. to go home and do more work..Tonight is my connect group night and since i spent 4 hours at home on Tuesday morning running errands including taking Buddy to get his snazzy cut..I have all this work to make up...

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The "Craft-Fest"


So this weekend..I did something I have been trying not to do and that is to feed my flesh whatever it wants. So I was a little..I don't know if stressed is the word, but moreso dissapointed by the outcome of a situation where I put myself out there and didn't quite get the response I was looking for. I discussed this with a variety of friends and the concensus is..it too early to tell if I got the "blow-off" from this guy... BUT you couldn't tell me that on Saturday/Sunday so by Sunday after church I decided that I was going to craft my troubles away.

So why is this bad...I think it is a matter of really avoiding my emotions by pouring myself into crafting on Sunday. I am was having a problem with jewelry storage. I have a ton of costume jewelry that I had in several different spots.. So i saw a jewelry chest at PierOne, but it cost $500 so that was out. So Sunday..I spent 3 1/2 hours back and forth between Michaels and Home Depot. In the end I think I may have spent $50. I had a couple of rolls of ribbon, a piece of styrofoam, a small plank of wood. Some PVC pipe that I cut in half and I bought some kind of connector. Then I also purchased some hooks and some type of flower holder wire mesh.. don't ask.

So anyway when it was all said and done I had covered the wood in ribbon and put the hooks on it to hold my necklaces.
I am going to mount it to a wall in my closet one of these days. I wrapped the pvc pipe and connector in ribbon and used that to hold my bracelets.
I made a ribbon border around the styrofoam with the hooks for my earrings and rings.
It was was one long piece that I cut in half after I cracked it trying to do something with that mesh.. I couldnt use it and i was thinking of a use for it, since I started cutting it up and apparently Buddy likes to lay on it, so I put it near one of his dog beds. ..oh.. i just had an idea on how to make what I did less cheesy.. and it is a little cheesy..Martha Stewart would be a little dissapointed in my final product, but like I said I have some ideas on improvement...

So the problem wasn't just my "craft-fest" that in total including shopping probably lasted 10 hours. I should have gone to 6pm service but i was consummed with avoidance. After I finished all that, I reorganized my closets, cleaned my house and rearranged all my bedroom furntiure...which is by no means an easy task.
Lets just say in that pic, the bed was on the wall where the mirror is now. No piece of furniture in my bedroom is in its original place..
So it is safe to say I was a tad bit manic and I forced myself to go to bed because I had a meeting early the next day and at around 3am, I had to stop myself from washing several loads of clothes.
Anyway..I thought those days were over, where I become totally immersed in something..to that extreme. In this case it was to avoid something, maybe that is always the reason and I never really considered it. But Sunday it was bad, i didn't answer my phone, didn't eat..well I had lunch between Michaels and home but only because I was feeling light headed..,but that was it for the day pretty much.

So I am going to have to continue the work on not avoiding things that upset me. I got some great advice.."feel the fear and do it anyway"..but that is what got me into this predicament in the first place... But I will press on...

Enough said, I am going to bed early..

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Fasting..


So at first I wasn't going to blog about this..but what good is this blog if I can't talk about my issues and I feel very bad about this..

So I have been reading this book about Fasting..got it at Walmart.. "fasting" by Jentezen Franklin. So the book is great it talks about why you should fast..why its so hard..clearly I have not gotten that far (sigh). So last week I had this amazing experience..lately I have been having lunch with my girlfriends from work and we sit around and laugh and have a good time, but I felt the Lord calling me to have some alone time with Him, so one day I went to starbucks sat outside and had some tea and yes my favorite lemon pound cake, and read my fasting book. It was a beautiful day..i think it was the week before last.. Oh I am at work now, but I am off the clock, productively seemed to slow down after 8pm AND I missed my connect group :( i digress... So back to the book i am less then halfway through and I was determined to start a fast this week, because somehow last week it didn't happen. So firstly I know I am not supposed to go around telling people about the fact that I am fasting or to look grumpy or complain, but I messed it up today, so I feel like I am just being accountable .

6:30am - got on the treadmill..watch 1/2 hour of Bourne Supremecy DVD. Prayed afterward..struggled with the idea of fasting..prayed while i was getting dressed..drank water.. (now the only reason I mention workign out is because it was part of my excuse why i couldn't fast because i would be hungrier and it would be harder..

8:00am - finished walking Buddy - didn't make my usual bagel..decided today was def the day..water only until my connect group (which i missed..oh i mentioned that already..) 6pm-ish. Left my water on the counter in the kitchen..this may sound strange, but i think my new car is super dry inside..i always feel dehydrated and i have water in the car when i drive..but I LEFT it..i was not happy. Prayed on the way to work..hoped I would make it..

9:00am - at work..made a decision when i was at home, that i was allowed to drink herbal tea because I have too many people coming to my desk and I can't have bad breathe.. but no sugar..

11:30am - stomach is growling..headache that started an hour before..new team member is in my cube and i am say (under my breathe) I am STARVING.. I think that was the beginning of the end.. over the next half hour I convince myself that a 6 hour fast is fine to start with right??? I had a whole plan going about skipping a different meal every week then two meals then a full day...

12:30pm - in the cafeteria getting a healthy lunch oh and some cookies..

12:45pm - on my way back to my desk food in hand..I say to myself, you still have time, you can just eat this for dinner...nahhh i say to myself..

12:50pm - at my desk..fast is broken.. (sigh) ugh..and I didnt'even say grace until after i started eating.. :( I am pretty disappointed with myself, but I will try again...

But if I am successful, I probably won't mention it.. so hopefully i will not post again unless I have some amazing breakthrough because of my fasting then I can just give God the glory..but I hope I don't have another of these.. hey wait..I am thinking about something pastor connie said this weekend during service about how we can open up heavens gates or hells gates with the words we say, so I think I will speak about what has happened - positive or negative because it is fact and cannot be changed, but I will be positive about the future..

I will press on with reading the book and try again...

Sunday, May 11, 2008

This Weekend..

I hate to start this blog without pics, but I am at work waiting for this test to finish running so now is as good a time as any to discuss my weekend...

Friday.. Kanye West - Glow in the Dark Concert - "A"
I really enjoyed myself at this concert, it included Kanye was headlining, and there was Rhianna, Lupe Fiasco, and N.E.R.D. So to recap..
1) It was outside at the Time Warner Cable Pavillion in Raleigh.. great venu - I was on the lawn..ticket was $19 +fees, so I was happy about that..
2) only 2 not so terrible incidents, this girl was writting "I Love U" on my trunkwith her finger (it was pollen not dirt) while i was sitting in my NEW car in the parking lot. I had to handle that without losing my religion, because I really wanted to give her a peice of my mind..AND she was drunk.. :( . Had to walk all the back to my car from the entrance because they wanted me to check my lawn chair because it was too big and my camera..and even though i had to walk back to my car, I STILL didn't know how to find it after the concert was over. But no complaints..good exercise.
3)I missed Lupe Fiasco..he sang his one song on the radio - "Supersta" or something like that.. while i was getting a snack. N.E.R.D, which i found out the next day has Pharrell in it was strange..it seems me and my girls were the only ones who didn't know the songs..but it was entertaining..they had a song that had "I'm a little tea pot" as part of the lyrics.
4). Rhianna..whom I absolutely love was great..and I really enjoyed her
5). Kanye..whom I must admit I didnt' like for the longest, for some reason or another I really got into his last album Graduation which I really like and he did a lot of songs from the album so I was happy. The special effects were amazing, he had this whole them about being lost in space, it was like a mini move/music video.. however his acting..well..lets just say don't quit your day job Kanye..
6). The only downside to the whole thing was at some point during the concert I got this feeling of sadness, first there were all these kids there acting the fool, and there were so many people there who were really feeling the concert..mesmerized by Kanye and i starting thinking about wouldn't it be great if all of these kids felt that way about Jesus and were this excited about Him and His Word. It reminded me of when I go to Christian concerts/events with large groups of people and I am generally moved by the number of people worshipping God..it makes me think of heaven. Unfortunately I had alternate thoughts during the concert. It put a slight damper on things. Like I said the concert was really good, but I couldn't help but think and pray of the salvation of the people there.

So on to Saturday..
Walkign around Lake lynn ("A") Some of the ladies from my church go walking at Lake Lynn on Sat mornings.. and we are doing this support circle thing together..more on that later.. so when I saw them on Thursday, they invited me to come with them. It was great, they were great..however.. I was under the impression that we would only be walking around the lake 1x, but once I got there I found it was was 2x around..for a total of 4 miles. Not that I don't need the exercise, but I wasn't emotionally prepared for that. But I did it and I felt great about it. The mile 3&4 were actually easier than 1&2 which i found strange. I was also very grateful that they walked slower for me :). On the bright side it made up for the 2 miles i didn't do last week when i brough poor Buddy to the MS walk. I was supposed to do 3 miles, but I did 1 mile and almost half of that I had to carry my old 20lb dog because he was too tired and hot to make it. Anyway it was my fault for bringing the poor little guy out like that..
Tour of Durham "A+" - Had a great time with two of my girls..
1). we went first shopping at Southpoint mall in durham - I am debating providing pictures of my purchases.. anyway i got some good stuff - makeup, jewerly, nicknack, and some facial stuff,
2). then we went to downtown durham to see where one of my friends is moving into some lofts near the Durham Bulls staduim. I know they are going to be nice.
3). We went looking into some small boutique shops, Morgan Imports, otis and something or another,
4) Then onto eat at the symposium restaurant..the food was good. They had this really good carrot cake, which i unashamedly finished today!
5) Then back to southpoint to Old Navy and back to Norstroms - got some sandels, almost bought a dress for my birthday but I changed my mind on that one.
Then back home..
Today was pretty relaxing...
Church ("A+")
1) Pastor Connie preached about how to improve being a mom. I have been very apprehensive about this whole "Home Improvement" series at church. Mostly because I am not married and don't have kids. But I did pray this week and I am happy to report that I didn't have any emotional breakdown during the service. It was actually quite good. I have decided that in some way or another I will have kids one day and hopefully be married. That didn't come otu that way I meant it to, but I have wanted to be a foster mom one day regardless if I get married or not. So that is what I mean. So I am going to speak what I want into my life. I had a short talk with myself before the service that I was going to have a good attitude about this and I did - thank God. Anyway she also talkeda bout teh levels of influence that a mother has in the life of her children and I thought that it was awesome teaching. She talked about how the mother child experience is a constant state of separation and rebonding. That is kind of how I feel about my relationship with God now that I think about it.. any sin that I commit separates me from him, but he is always there to forgive and reconnect with me when I realize the error of my ways and repent. This is a long blog I am going to have to split into 3 different ones.

Ok test is complete..back to work..Or should I say time to go home...I will have to finish this up later..

Thursday, May 1, 2008

8:36pm

It is 8:36pm and I am sitting at my desk at work, waiting for this huge file to save. It is taking a long time, so I am going to take a short break from coding to chit chat. For some reason the last two days I have been super anxious. I have had problems before with panic attacks, but at least those are short.


Something is nawing at me and I can't figure out what it is. Its like everytime I get a moment to think about something beyond my current task, chit chatting with someone, getting these scripts ready for my deadline, whatever. If I take a moment to breathe there it is.. How can I explain it, I feel slightly short of breath and it fluxuates from my stomach and my chest feeling not exactly tight but just unsettled this is all wrapped up in a low hanging edgyness, like I am just waiting for the bottom to drop out. Anyway long story short its no fun and frankly I am tired of it. Its not fully escalated where I can't function its enough to irritate me.


So I was thinking of some things to get rid of this feeling - here is what I have come up with:

1) Pray - I prayed about it yesterday and I denounced the enemy. I felt better about doing it, and I got some temporary relief - then frankly I got busy and finally went to sleep. I was asking God to take it from me, I don't know if it defeatest to move to asking him to just help me through it. That is where I am now.

2) Start back drinking coffee - I stopped drinking coffee, but I am still drinking sodas which have caffiene. I was thinking that maybe I could attribute this to caffiene withdrawl, but I am not buying that so much.

3) Wait it out a couple of days and then go see someone about it. This is a viable option. I have actually been meaning to set up an appointment with Pastor Connie so this maybe that is what is nawing at me.

4) Figure out what I am supposed to be doing that I am not. I used to say that the Holy Spirit sometimes speaks to me using my stomach. Like for example, when I was offered to interview for my current job. I turned them down because I felt like I wanted to make more money. I had NO peace. My whole abdominal area was in a terrible uproar, I prayed about it and realized that I had gotten ahead of God, so i called back and went for the interview..and