I am really not trying to get caught up in this whole Valentine's day nonsence, but I would be lying if I said it doesn't bother me to be single..oh and dateless..let's not forget that.Actually I have mixed feelings about my current state of "bother-dom". For a really long time it didn't bother me that I wasn't dating and I didn't feel envious of couples. I would be like that would be really nice for me to have that, but I am not ready.
So it was nice not to be bothered by all of that, it was always one day..when I am ready. The problem was that was all wrapped up in low self esteem. I didn' t think I deserved any better...thats a problem..but not for me anymore. I have mentioned before in previous blogs that I really feel great about myself these days, I have accepted myself for who I am - inside and outside. It is fantastic! So it's not even about being ready or not for a relationship, its about being healthy emotionally and seeing myself the way that God sees me.
Now.. I didn't expect because of my change in attitude that I would be bombarded with date offers, but now that the "I am not ready/worth it" phase is over.. it's like some blinders came off and I look at things in a different way. I am ready to at least date. OK thats not happening now...and I am actively working on having a social life. I make sure my weekend is packed with fun things to do with my girlfriends.
So I have been thinking about blogging about this topic that I am getting ready to bring up for a while now, but it just seemed kind of wrong, but I am just going to put it out there... It just seems like I am SURROUNDED by couples - especially at church. Which is a change for me, going in the past to churches that were primarily female - a lot of whom were single. Now don't get me wrong, I think it is FANTASTIC to be at a church that is family oriented...this is how God wants it to be - moms, dads and kids, and I was never really focused on getting married, but I am seeing couples who are worshiping together and I feel like I want that..
Sometimes it bothers me that I don't have that. One Sunday I asked God if I was the only single person in the church in their 30's. But I have moved past that now. I am learning so much about relationships that are centered around God and it is really a wonderful to see a husband and wife on fire for the Lord..but really the enemy is working OVERTIME on my nerves about me not having that.
OF course I know everything that glitters isn't gold and relationships aren't always rosy and they are work. I still subscribe to the notion that I can do bad all by myself, but I don't beleive all men are cheating liars bad. There are some good ones out there. I am willing to wait..but there are a lot of things out there including Valentine's day. Let me also say that if for some reason that I don't ever get married, that I would not turn into a old maid hermit..naw..i wouldn't be estatic about it, but I would just have to believe that God had his reasons and move on. I am praying this is not the case.
So I am harboring a little resentment. I need to work on getting rid of it. Now I am not walking around mad, just every now and again I find myself saying.. When is it going to be my turn?
No comments:
Post a Comment