What is wrong with me?

Sooooooooooo... I am debating what to write here, or rather how much of my guts do I want to spill. I am going to do a light spilling. Originally I have mentioned before I was going to do this anonymous blog so I could say whatever I wanted, but then I changed my mind and decided to just use wisdom and prayer when it comes to sensitive topics. So here goes..


Something is wrong with me. I am trying to figure out what it is. I just feel like the enemy is really attacking me right now. The good news is I am not powerless. God is really helping me.

I struggled for a long time with being unhappy, but things have been SO good for me the last 6 months or so, it is a miracle. So what happened? I don't know, but I have been super emotional for the last week. Actually I think I can date a problem back to right before I left blue to go green (code for my last and current job). Somehow or another I have moved into impulsive spending..its crazy..all the money I have spent since January - and how I haven't really been handling my business.

So there is good news in all of this, I used to be REALLY hard on myself. A year ago I would be really beating myself up all over Raleigh for some of the poor choices I have made. But even me calling them poor choices and not calling myself names is a victory, so I am thankful for that.

SO.. I will continue praying and asking God to deliver me from this, or point me in the right direction of some help or something I need to do or stop doing to help me with this. I have some ideas on both - what to stop doing and what to continue to do with more intensity

I am really looking forward to getting my finances under control, that will be the icing on the cake God has blessed me with. And now I can say I am really working on it.


Oh I went to a hockey game with some coworkers last night at the RBC Center - Hurricanes vs. Capitals..Capitals won. I have a picture and will discuss that in my next post...

B - R - A - Z - I - L ....wooohooooo!!!!

I am sooooooooooooooo excited I can hardly contain myself!! I am going to Brazil y'all. (Did I just say y'all?? I digress). I mentioned in my last post about my managing a software development project in where the developers are in Brazil... Well in a few weeks I will be going down there to host a kick off meeting for the project.

So there is a picture below to help visualize where I am going. I couldn't be more pleased about this. But ALL the glory goes to God, I mean really only a 2 weeks into a new job and they are already sending me abroad all expenses paid!! What a blessing. OK - I am tired now going to bed early.. oh I am off on Friday too..happy about that.

I feel kind of bad about not blogging but then again I don't - I enjoy writing about whats going on in my life, but I am happy to be too busy at work to blog and happy that my days and evenings are full of activity; work, church, working out, hanging with friends, and when i get home, all i want to do is clean a little bit (and I mean a little), get in some comfy clothes, read my Word and go to sleep. So tonight I am forgoing #1 and heading off to do #2, #3, & #4.

CYA!

I (heart) my new job!

I havent' blogged in a while. Been so busy with work. I LOVE new job. My team lead and manager are great, my coworkers are cool, and I met some other folks at "the company" (thats what i am going to call my new workplace) that are cool and I have had a chance to hang out with them.

I have already advised at least one of them that they may turn into blog material but I will change their names. More on them later. God has granted me sooo much favor with my coworkers and manager, its amazing. I am really looking forward to seeing what he is going to do.

I haven't blogged as much because since I left "blue" I had to give up my laptop. These days I am so tired - because I am not used to going into the office everyday, I don't want to get on my computer.

SO basically on my new job, I am the subject matter expert, administrator, maintainer, traininer on the automated test tool that is used to test cell phones. I am also going to be a quasi project manager for a development team in Brazil that is making enhancements to our testing tool. I am saving an entire post for that topic (hehe).

Oh I also am closing out my bowling for winter 2008 and I am moving on to tennis. I take lessons in raleigh.

The Hug...

So.. I decided to put up a pic of my favorite room in the house (see #3 in my latest Thankful Thursday post) ...

(*hug*)

Oh Yeeaaah...Thankful Thursday!!

OH I absolutely love doing my "day" blogs on the right day!

What I am thankful for right now!
#1) AN awesome job. My manager told me I might be traveling to Brazil in the next month or two (soooooooooo excited). How cool is it to travel on someone else's dime. Also, I have the favor of God ALL over that job..it's amazing!!

#2) Truly loving and accepting myself for who i am RIGHT NOW. Not when I "get myself together" or lose weight. I am no longer defined by my size..i LOVE IT!

#3) A chocolate family room. I know I mention it alot, but I am living in the house of my dreams. Everytime I sit in my family room, i feel like I am being given a hug. God has blessed me abundantly. I have been ungrateful in the past for the places that I have lived. Finding fault and never feeling comfortable in them. That is a horrible feeling - being upset about where you live. Now there are some things that aren't perfect here, but its not about what i don't have - it is about the abundance I have been given.

#4) Buddy! My dog is another blessing from God. He is presently on the couch doing what he does best.. sleeping. During some dark days in my life Buddy forced me to get out of the house at least twice a day..and he gives me immense pleasure right now, because he doesn't try to run away anymore when given the opportunity. ..and opportunity has knocked several times!

#5) Acceptance of God's grace and mercy. I used to wallow around in self pity for how horrible I was..no more..God has forgiven me for all of my sins - hey Jesus died for them. I am trying to be constistently repentant (a work in progress). It is so cool in Himself he has given me an example for forgiving others (which generally isn't a problem for me)..but more importantly for me..for forgiving myself. Feeling inadequate is no longer part of who I am. I am MOST thankful for that..basically that is what makes me able to be whole heartidly thankful for items #1-4 above.

Thank you Jesus!

Off topic.. I started Tennis lessons today. I think Tennis is going to replace bowling after this season is over for my bowling league.
On topic.. #6 I am thankful for an improved bowling game. In my last league season, I was bowling arounds 60's to high 70's. Tonight i pre-bowled because I have a ministry meeting on my bowling night next week and I got bowled a 98, a 79, and a 102 AND i didn't feel intimidated by the ballers who were surrounding me bowling 160's to 200's :D. I am slowly but surely getting better..I am learning in life thats what counts!

off to bed..looking forward to work tomorrow (I can actually call that my #7 - because that was unimaginable to me a few weeks ago)

My Aunt Cloia..She's Free

My Aunt Cloia passed away this weekend. She was 84 - a serious woman of God and a faithful Reverand at her church. I wrote her obituary last night. I must admit I was procrasting, but my mom put the pressure on my last night because the church needs the verbiage to put in the program.

She had a great life up until after her husband passed away in 2002, a little while later she was diagnosed with Alzheimers and things went downhill over a number of years. The last 3 years she has been in a nursing home, she couldn't take care of herself and eventually she was unable to communicate.

It has been extremely hard on my family - my mom and aunt are her legal guardians and responsible for ensuring her care. She lived in the house with them for less then a year before she went into the nursing home. That was probably one of the toughest years in my family. Living with a person with Alzheimers is very stressful and draining. But they loved her and allowed her to stay in the house until it wasn't safe anymore.

Anyway so I am writing all of this because although I felt really strange about it, this weekend (after we found out she had the flu) I asked God to take her. Her life would be so MUCH better in heaven then here on earth - she was just existing. Anyway that night my mom called me and told me she had passed...I didn't really know how to feel - sad. relieved. guilty.happy for her..

Anyway my aunt sent me this poem that I am going to read this weekend at her funeral ( I hope I can make it through the whole thing without falling apart..I am working on that now). It is so relevant.

My family is into more traditional funerals, so it won't be a celebration service like we have at lwfc and some of my family is pretty dramatic - so I don't know what to expect.

Anyway its called "I'm Free"

I’m Free

Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free,
I’m following the path God laid for me;
I took His hand when I heard Him call
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work, or play;
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found that place at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembering joy,
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah, yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow;
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life’s been full, I’ve savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart, and share with me.
God wanted me now - He set me free.

Love ya Aunt Cloia!

Two For Tuesday

As usual.. I am not happy with that last post..I am convicted, so.. I am going to counteract it with something positive. I was joking about the Two 4 Tuesday, but I have decided it's short and sweet..so I am going for it.

Two 4 Tuesday

Two things I really like about my life:

1. I am blessed with a fabulous house
2. I am blessed to be COMPLETELY surrounded with supportive people.

Hows that for a turn around?

:D

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggghhhhhhhhhh

So first let me say..I am LOVING my new job - lots of awesome responsibilities. SO EXCITED..


Now back to my blog subject. I am getting really annoyed with myself. I am working out SO hard. I bowl, I am signing up for Tennis Lessons, try to take long walks on the weekend, take the stair instead of the elevator (now), don't woory about parking far away from places, I take at least 2-4 aerobics classes a week, sometimes workout on my treadmill and I do personal training for 1/2 hour 2x a week. But I CAN"T STOP EATING!! I am eating all manner of junk food..i can't stand it.



I got on the scale this morning and I gained a pound..then i went to McDonalds (sigh) then had Wendy's for dinner. This self sabotaging behavior has to stop.

In the meantime, the carmel sunday in my freezer is calling my name..SHUT UP!



help.



I am so dramatic today.

i need to pray..goodbye.

Thankful Thursday's

I have no problem stealing a good idea. I got this one from a blog that I have in my google reader, Permission to Peruse (P2P) ..this chick is very interesting. Anyway, she does Thankful Thursdays. I was going to do Thursday Thirteen, but maybe will do Two for Tuesday (joke - OK not funny).

Anyway let's pretend its Thursday so I can get the ball rolling on this one.

Three Things I am Thankful For Today...

1. I am thankful for a God who can not only heal my body, but also my heart.
2. I am thankful for being able to make exercise and an active lifestyle a priority.
3. I am thankful for the desire to deepen my relationship with God.

I love it! This is my new thing!

night all!