Disconnected...

I hate it when I have the feeling..like I am disconnected from God...

When I got back from the trip, i have to say, I felt a little disconnected from my people here in NC. I have decided to work on that and I have made an effort to get past what I feel like doing. I invited some people I haven't seen in a while over for Labor Day. I know I will have a blast, so I am looking forward to it.

I know that when I feel a strong desire just to be by myself is the time when I most need to be purposeful about reaching out to people.

Back to feeling disconnected from God...The problem the usually holds me back from making progress on that front is a feeling of condemnation because I let this happen (again). But God is merciful and again its all about being purposeful to rectify the situation, so I will work on that. OK i feel better so I can definitely hit the hay now..

Being grateful...

Enough said! Good night!

Confession Time...

I drove to Charlotte today to look into something for my mom about a house there. Anyway I keep telling myself that I am going to "Go HARD" on this diet healthy eating plan and exercise thing. I went to the doctor the other day and I have lost 28 pounds since August - significant, but I really want it to be more. I have actually decided that I on average have been gaining about 20 pounds a year - so I really lost almost 48 or so pounds...OK that feels better ;)

Anyway today was not my best day, I am fessing up about what I ate, because logging it on weightwatchers.com doesn't seem to be doing it.

Breakfast:

1 slice Pound Cake - with frosting I bought separately and smothered the cake in.

(yeah that was it..oh wait nm...)

1 Everything Bagel with lots of cream cheese

Lunch:

1 Starbucks Croissant

1 Grande Cinnamon Dolce Latte (with whip!)

Dinner

1 fried chicken thigh

1 serving of homemade mac and cheese

1 serving of green beans.

(if only I could have left it at this)

Evening snack

(sigh - back to Starbucks..it was over 6 hours round trip in the car today)

1/2 tall Cinnamon Dolce Latte (with whip again!)

1 slice of starbucks iced lemon pound cake...

and another slice of cake with the dreaded chocolate frosting (once I got home)

(and now... a sigh of relief)

That was freeing...tomorrow is a better day, no question.

"God is in front of me making crooked paths straight, goodness and mercy are following me, and God's favor is all around me"

I got that from Joel Osteen a couple of weeks ago and it has become my personal mantra...Joel even said every now and again, look behind and wave and say,, "HEY Goodness.. HEY Mercy"

For whatever reason, i always feel compelled to do this in my car.. I know I look CRAZY waving to goodness and mercy in my back seat...oh well...

Hopefully I will fall asleep at a reasonable hour with all this coffee so freshly in my system..

Health Update..

I will update you that I am on prednisone to clear up my face rash and all is OK with my health went to my final mammogram today and I got the all clear for another 6 months! I am sooooooooo grateful to God.

It is really quite daunting going to a breast specialist. I found out I was fine, but there were woman there who at the same time who were finding they were not. I met one today, and I heard her on the phone wiht a family member and I immediately started praying for her. I felt sad and grateful all at the same time. That could have just as easily been me, but for the grace of God.

I think you can kind of tell when someone is chatty, and she was, she spoke to me, and honestly I was at a loss. I wasn't sure if she was a Christian or not, but I spoke to her about staying positive and then she asked me to prayfor her.. how did she know that I even prayed? I started to tell her I already had started praying for her and I would continue to do so, but I just told her that I certainly would. I am wondering now if she was alone there, that has got to be rough if she was.

Prayer..

So this is officially a new day, so I don't have 2 posts in 1 day. Last night was the leadership update. I was tempted not to go and just go home and sleep because I was emotionally exhausted, but I knew that it was going to bless me, so I went.

And it did. I was able to put my "stuff" to the side and think about my team. I kept saying to God, its so small, there are only 3 of us. Then I thought of my team at work (because every leadership update I have gone to has helped me in both areas). I am working with a college co-op, and we are a team of 2. But God showed me that it doesn't matter.

I learned to how important it is to build a relationship with your team. It is important to minister with your team to the people (kids), but also to minister to my team. So both of my team members are going through something. I don't know the details, and frankly I don't need to know, but God is showing me that he can show his love for them through me.

That reminds me how important I am to God. The creator of the universe thinks I am important..that is powerful..for me anyway.

So it totally took me out of myself and made me able to look beyond whats going on with me. I was too busy praying for others on my way home from the meeting... I got home checked email.. found out one of my closest friends mom has breast cancer..more prayer... checked some blogs, one of my leaders wife is having a baby tonight..more prayer...I look out my window there are ambulances for a neighbor...more prayer.

Pastor Steve talked about zeal this weekend (I listened to that podcast today) and I think it is important to have that for hurting people..actually all people.

So on a side note.. I debated going outside to saying something to my neighbor, i was peeking..well probably not effectively out of my curtain in my office. I saw my neighbor and his 8 or so year old daughter sitting outside on the steps. There was an ambulance and a small looking fire truck thing, a cop. So after a brief conversation with my mother about being neighborly, I decided to go outside. Mind you I made a promise that I wouldn't go outside looking crazy anymore (you never know who you will meet). My head was full of rollers wrapped in a fishnet thingy. But I still had on my work clothes. But I didn't want to wait to find the right scarf, anyway you would still know there were roller up under there. So whatever, after 10 seconds I decided just go, so I did. Turns out my neighbors father in law was unresponsive and my neighbor was sitting outside with his daughter because he didn't want her to be scared while they were working on him. So I went over there looking crazy and asked if there was anything I can do, that he and his daughter were welcome to come over to my house, he declined. I told him I would pray for him and his family and I went back inside. I peeked out the window every so often. I was really grateful to see that when the EMT brought the father-in-law into the ambulance, he was alive and somewhat alert..I saw him lift his head. So I was grateful to God for that.

So that was my night... I was supposed to working on my taxes..no they are not done...I have until October or August, I can't remember, but anyway this week is my personal deadline.


I am going to give buddy his midnight snack and go to bed..for real this time...

Victory!

Lots of emotions today. It was another Dr's visit. First the good news...I didn't gain any weight as a result of my 4th of July food fest. Ok on to the next set of news.

I am officially allergic to some antiobiotics. My face is on the mend, I am proclaiming it in Jesus' name. It hasn't manifested yet, but today was my first day off the antibiotics so I will keep you posted. The doctor said that cortizone10 lightens my face and makes my splotches more prominent.

But my doctor is concerned about me so she is sending me to a specialist to give me another mammogram and do do further testing, to figure out what my problem is. So I went through this whole thing again. But this time I was more prepared. I listened to Joel Osteen on my ipod in my car. It was his sermon #373 - "Expect Good Things", this was about the third time I listened to this message. But this was when I needed it the most. He said something like
"Our expectations are setting the limits for our life"
"If you are not expecting something good you are not releasing your faith."
"Gods favor is not for a season - it is for a lifetime"
"Goodness and mercy are behind us, God is ahead of us making crooked places straight, and favor is all around us"
"Declare daily something good is going to happen to me today"

About a week ago I started downloading some of my favorite preachers sermons on my ipod. I was pointed to listen to Joel by some of my girlfriends...divine connections..God was preparing me for this day. Can I just tell you some of the podcast that have been downloaded to my ipod:
Charles Stanley
"Confidence in Trouble Times"
"Confidence in Times of Distress"

Joel Osteen
"Expect Good Things"
"You are an Overcomer"

John Hagee
"The Anchor of Hope"
"The Winning Attitude"

One of of my sisters from church was so encouraging she talked to me and she is going with me to my appointment on Friday. Another all I had to do was ask her to pray and I felt better, because she a prayer warrior. I have other friends who aren't Christian who encouraged me. My girlfriend from work waited for me at the Cheesecake Factory way after her lunch hour. Just so I wouldn't have to eat alone after my appointment. And she was so matter of fact.. no problem, I will just stay later today at work, really its no big deal. She really meant that too. I have to say I have been blessed to meet so many people who care about me since I moved to this area. I just want to be as much of a blessing to other people as those who have been there for me.

Anyway I have decided to be positive to believe the Truth and what the Word of God says about my situation.

1. I am more than a conqueror
2. By His stripes I am healed
3. With long life, he will satisfy me
4. God is my strength and my refuge
5. I have the victory

So I am looking forward to seeing what God is going to do in my situation. He's awesome.

Goodnight!

Scary Day

So today was a pretty scary day for me. I woke up this morning and found something very questionable happening to my body so I made an emergency doctor appointment because I have become a little concerned about my health because I am having to repeat mammograms and having ultrasounds - its a little unnerving.

So I was so frazzled after my discover this morning, I completely spaced out. I was having trouble quoting scripture about my situation, so I grabbed my New testament on CD and popped a cd into the car on my way to the dr. It was really an emotional morning for me. I found out that I having some problem woman generally have when they are lactating and NO i am not pregnant. My mother started talking to me about hysterical pregnancies, but I certainly don't want to be pregnant, so ruled that out to.

Anyway, the doctor gave me a prescription, and told me to push my august mammogram to july. (sigh). I was a BASKET case. I was wondering if I had any tears left. I tried to be positive and be grateful that I know what the current issue is and it is fixable. But I can't help but to worry.

I know a therapist who told me that I can control how i feel and react to a situation, but I gave up a bunch of control today. I was so emotionally drained from my mornings episode, I could only stay at work for 1 hour before I wanted to leave. Besides concerns for my health, I just started this job and I am thinking this is not going to work out.

Some of the girls from the job went out to lunch with me, and then they spent several hours with me talking to me at the end of the work day. Then we went out and stayed at Bonefish Grill until 11:30pm, talking about everything you can imagine. We didn't spend too much time focused on my issues, but when we did, they were super positive about everything and encouraging.


I even spent some time with my team lead at work, who is phenonenal and when called him this morning, he asked me if i needed anything since he knew I was alone and I really believe that if i needed something he would have asked his wife to come over and help me. I talked to him a little about what was and has been going on, and my concern over this job.. he was really supportive - so for that I am really grateful.

Anyway, I am really tired tonight so I am going to bed. I often talk about picking up posts later and finishing them, but i can't promise I will continue in my next post. I will say that I really feel like I really blessed because I have a great support network. Although I didn't (and I probably should have) called my church family, I know that they would have been there for me. I called one of my girlfriends in VA but she wasn't available. I told her I thought it was for the best at the point, and I really needed to work it out - with God right then.My mom was great - I avoided Dad a little, because I was in a fragile state and he doesn't do really good in those situations - he is a little at a loss. I will call him tomorrow :).

Anyway, I am fine and I am believing that everything is going to be fine..at least I am working on believing it. My emotions are mixed between relief and concern, and I am really thankful to God. He is my rock and fortress...so of whom should i be afraid??

So today i went back on weight watchers.

So today i went back on weight watchers. Some of my girls from the job are on it too. This is all part of my back to basics. So today is another day one. The good news is that i am down 24 pounds since i originally joined last august. So i am happy about that . I cooked last night pork chops, rice, string beans. So that was my lunch today and it was pretty good. But it felt good to be taking care of myself. I am starting a walking program. Its an 8 week 5k plan. I was talking to my coworker today and decided to set a more concrete goal that is in the plan. So my goal is to
Be able to walk 3.5miles in one hour consistently without feeling winded. More later

10 Steps for a Greener tomorrow...

This is a blog I was working on last month.. i never finished it but thought it was worthwhile to post...


I was inspired by an image I saw yesterday and decided to do a post on it.

this is a note to self:
10 steps for a greener tomorrow:

1) Pray. But just not "God help me through this prayer". Pray for others and with passion and conviction. Pray like there is a tomorrow, and you know God can change the outcome. Pray for yourself that God will heal you and use what you have gone through to heal other. Will help you learn from your mistakes so you don't make them again and you can work to prevent new ones.

2) Fast. You don't have to get all fanatical just start off slowly. Its seems that everytime God presents fasting to you ...and you don't... you begin to drift. Its interesting to see how He knows and tries to prepare, so be prepared.

3) Give. Use your resources to help other. It doesn't have to just be money, but tithing is important. It can be your teim

Greenish blue..

I haven't worked out in over a week, and I haven't worked out hard since I left for Brazil. So I am thinking that may account for my greenish blue mood. I don't want to say I am blue, because that certainly isn't true. Green being my favorite color to me represents my happiness or contentment with life.

I know I have a lot going on in my life right now - particularly some nonesense I have to deal with in Maryland, but usually that doesn't really bother me too much.. So back to greenish blue. I feel like I am heading very slowly, but I am happy that I can recognize it in the blue direction..and thats not a great place to be..trust..

So I am going to continue to pray and get myself back in the gym - back to the serious workouts. I broke up with my personal trainer, and not in a mature way, but I took him back last week. Although I have found one I potentially have interest in, but I am going to hold off on switching at the moment..we had a good thing going...i need to get back on track.

Ok so I will go back and do an assessment in 2 weeks to see if we can get back to "green-land". I was not trying to be funny or anything, and I accept that I am corny. Back on topic, I have so many things going on right now, and so many things to be grateful for, so I am going to get back on the horse. God is soo good.

Ok..I am back..I always like to search around for some neat images to add to my posts - usually after I write them - so I found this one and I think I will dedicate my next post to it...Of course it has a different meaning to me then those who are environmentally conscious, but anyway I am going to think about 10 steps to contentment and do a post on that..

Fasting..

So at first I wasn't going to blog about this..but what good is this blog if I can't talk about my issues and I feel very bad about this..

So I have been reading this book about Fasting..got it at Walmart.. "fasting" by Jentezen Franklin. So the book is great it talks about why you should fast..why its so hard..clearly I have not gotten that far (sigh). So last week I had this amazing experience..lately I have been having lunch with my girlfriends from work and we sit around and laugh and have a good time, but I felt the Lord calling me to have some alone time with Him, so one day I went to starbucks sat outside and had some tea and yes my favorite lemon pound cake, and read my fasting book. It was a beautiful day..i think it was the week before last.. Oh I am at work now, but I am off the clock, productively seemed to slow down after 8pm AND I missed my connect group :( i digress... So back to the book i am less then halfway through and I was determined to start a fast this week, because somehow last week it didn't happen. So firstly I know I am not supposed to go around telling people about the fact that I am fasting or to look grumpy or complain, but I messed it up today, so I feel like I am just being accountable .

6:30am - got on the treadmill..watch 1/2 hour of Bourne Supremecy DVD. Prayed afterward..struggled with the idea of fasting..prayed while i was getting dressed..drank water.. (now the only reason I mention workign out is because it was part of my excuse why i couldn't fast because i would be hungrier and it would be harder..

8:00am - finished walking Buddy - didn't make my usual bagel..decided today was def the day..water only until my connect group (which i missed..oh i mentioned that already..) 6pm-ish. Left my water on the counter in the kitchen..this may sound strange, but i think my new car is super dry inside..i always feel dehydrated and i have water in the car when i drive..but I LEFT it..i was not happy. Prayed on the way to work..hoped I would make it..

9:00am - at work..made a decision when i was at home, that i was allowed to drink herbal tea because I have too many people coming to my desk and I can't have bad breathe.. but no sugar..

11:30am - stomach is growling..headache that started an hour before..new team member is in my cube and i am say (under my breathe) I am STARVING.. I think that was the beginning of the end.. over the next half hour I convince myself that a 6 hour fast is fine to start with right??? I had a whole plan going about skipping a different meal every week then two meals then a full day...

12:30pm - in the cafeteria getting a healthy lunch oh and some cookies..

12:45pm - on my way back to my desk food in hand..I say to myself, you still have time, you can just eat this for dinner...nahhh i say to myself..

12:50pm - at my desk..fast is broken.. (sigh) ugh..and I didnt'even say grace until after i started eating.. :( I am pretty disappointed with myself, but I will try again...

But if I am successful, I probably won't mention it.. so hopefully i will not post again unless I have some amazing breakthrough because of my fasting then I can just give God the glory..but I hope I don't have another of these.. hey wait..I am thinking about something pastor connie said this weekend during service about how we can open up heavens gates or hells gates with the words we say, so I think I will speak about what has happened - positive or negative because it is fact and cannot be changed, but I will be positive about the future..

I will press on with reading the book and try again...

This Weekend..

I hate to start this blog without pics, but I am at work waiting for this test to finish running so now is as good a time as any to discuss my weekend...

Friday.. Kanye West - Glow in the Dark Concert - "A"
I really enjoyed myself at this concert, it included Kanye was headlining, and there was Rhianna, Lupe Fiasco, and N.E.R.D. So to recap..
1) It was outside at the Time Warner Cable Pavillion in Raleigh.. great venu - I was on the lawn..ticket was $19 +fees, so I was happy about that..
2) only 2 not so terrible incidents, this girl was writting "I Love U" on my trunkwith her finger (it was pollen not dirt) while i was sitting in my NEW car in the parking lot. I had to handle that without losing my religion, because I really wanted to give her a peice of my mind..AND she was drunk.. :( . Had to walk all the back to my car from the entrance because they wanted me to check my lawn chair because it was too big and my camera..and even though i had to walk back to my car, I STILL didn't know how to find it after the concert was over. But no complaints..good exercise.
3)I missed Lupe Fiasco..he sang his one song on the radio - "Supersta" or something like that.. while i was getting a snack. N.E.R.D, which i found out the next day has Pharrell in it was strange..it seems me and my girls were the only ones who didn't know the songs..but it was entertaining..they had a song that had "I'm a little tea pot" as part of the lyrics.
4). Rhianna..whom I absolutely love was great..and I really enjoyed her
5). Kanye..whom I must admit I didnt' like for the longest, for some reason or another I really got into his last album Graduation which I really like and he did a lot of songs from the album so I was happy. The special effects were amazing, he had this whole them about being lost in space, it was like a mini move/music video.. however his acting..well..lets just say don't quit your day job Kanye..
6). The only downside to the whole thing was at some point during the concert I got this feeling of sadness, first there were all these kids there acting the fool, and there were so many people there who were really feeling the concert..mesmerized by Kanye and i starting thinking about wouldn't it be great if all of these kids felt that way about Jesus and were this excited about Him and His Word. It reminded me of when I go to Christian concerts/events with large groups of people and I am generally moved by the number of people worshipping God..it makes me think of heaven. Unfortunately I had alternate thoughts during the concert. It put a slight damper on things. Like I said the concert was really good, but I couldn't help but think and pray of the salvation of the people there.

So on to Saturday..
Walkign around Lake lynn ("A") Some of the ladies from my church go walking at Lake Lynn on Sat mornings.. and we are doing this support circle thing together..more on that later.. so when I saw them on Thursday, they invited me to come with them. It was great, they were great..however.. I was under the impression that we would only be walking around the lake 1x, but once I got there I found it was was 2x around..for a total of 4 miles. Not that I don't need the exercise, but I wasn't emotionally prepared for that. But I did it and I felt great about it. The mile 3&4 were actually easier than 1&2 which i found strange. I was also very grateful that they walked slower for me :). On the bright side it made up for the 2 miles i didn't do last week when i brough poor Buddy to the MS walk. I was supposed to do 3 miles, but I did 1 mile and almost half of that I had to carry my old 20lb dog because he was too tired and hot to make it. Anyway it was my fault for bringing the poor little guy out like that..
Tour of Durham "A+" - Had a great time with two of my girls..
1). we went first shopping at Southpoint mall in durham - I am debating providing pictures of my purchases.. anyway i got some good stuff - makeup, jewerly, nicknack, and some facial stuff,
2). then we went to downtown durham to see where one of my friends is moving into some lofts near the Durham Bulls staduim. I know they are going to be nice.
3). We went looking into some small boutique shops, Morgan Imports, otis and something or another,
4) Then onto eat at the symposium restaurant..the food was good. They had this really good carrot cake, which i unashamedly finished today!
5) Then back to southpoint to Old Navy and back to Norstroms - got some sandels, almost bought a dress for my birthday but I changed my mind on that one.
Then back home..
Today was pretty relaxing...
Church ("A+")
1) Pastor Connie preached about how to improve being a mom. I have been very apprehensive about this whole "Home Improvement" series at church. Mostly because I am not married and don't have kids. But I did pray this week and I am happy to report that I didn't have any emotional breakdown during the service. It was actually quite good. I have decided that in some way or another I will have kids one day and hopefully be married. That didn't come otu that way I meant it to, but I have wanted to be a foster mom one day regardless if I get married or not. So that is what I mean. So I am going to speak what I want into my life. I had a short talk with myself before the service that I was going to have a good attitude about this and I did - thank God. Anyway she also talkeda bout teh levels of influence that a mother has in the life of her children and I thought that it was awesome teaching. She talked about how the mother child experience is a constant state of separation and rebonding. That is kind of how I feel about my relationship with God now that I think about it.. any sin that I commit separates me from him, but he is always there to forgive and reconnect with me when I realize the error of my ways and repent. This is a long blog I am going to have to split into 3 different ones.

Ok test is complete..back to work..Or should I say time to go home...I will have to finish this up later..